Selfless love

It’s been a minute since I’ve written. That’s because the last few weeks have been literally insane. My son had another surgery and after spending about a week in hospital, we came home to deal with his recovery.  I can’t possibly get into all the things I’ve learnt over these past few weeks. But one of the things that I feel compelled to share is the selflessness of love.

Full recovery from this last surgery takes about 3 to 4 weeks. That’s because my son had surgery to correct a severe hypospadias that he was born with. Probably best to google that if you don’t know what it is… But in a nutshell, he has had to go through three surgeries to correct his pee-pee because he was born without an opening at the tip of his pee-pee. If you have any emotion, the very thought of that would make you cross your legs and cringe. My little man had to go through that 3 times in the last year as the surgery was done in phases.

As a mom…and a single mom, I can’t tell you how hard it is to see your little one in pain and know that you can’t do anything to help. And this feeling will last for the duration of his entire recovery.

Over the last month or so though, I’ve learned that love is not selfish. There were many times when I was frustrated by his crying…, by his inability to sleep…as he constantly tugged and tugged at the area and made things worse. Everything was stressful. Bathing…walking, sleeping… In addition to this, I am faced with the fact that every surgery brings on a level of trauma that makes it hard for him to adjust. After each surgery and particularly after this one, he became petrified of his bed, being left alone, even seeing anyone other than me. And so… I had to be there for him. All of the time.

I can’t tell you how exhausted I was…,am… And to add on that, I had to go back to work in order to keep up going. But each day, I find that God gives me an extra measure of grace. This grace is the grace to not think about how I feel, or what I need, or what I didn’t have. It’s the grace to focus on what my son needs, what he is feeling and what he is going through. And so, every day I’ve been waking up after 2 to 3 hours of sleep sometimes and just holding him, encouraging him, praying for him. And letting him know that it’s going to be okay. I make him what he wants to eat. Play with him as much as I can despite how tired I am. I do all of his appointments back and forth to others cities…and I do it acknowledging that I am grateful to God that I have a son.

I say all of this, not to boast about me. Not to complain about what I am going through. But because I find that people are often so consumed with themselves, that they miss what others around them are going through. I might be tired or getting weak or whatever… but someone that I claim to love, is going through something and he needs me. He doesn’t need my frustration. He doesn’t need me to neglect him. He doesn’t need me to focus on me. He needs me to love on him and encourage him and let him know that it’s going to be okay.

When we make life about ‘us’ we will be miserable. There will never be a moment of peace and happiness because we essentially can’t pinpoint why we miserable. It’s really because we are so focused on us. But if we can focus on others… how much happier we would be.

Real love is really not about ‘us’. It’s not about ‘me’. When Christ went to the cross, he had to let go of what it would mean for Him and begin to focus on what it would mean for ‘us’. Real love focuses on the ‘other’. 

And so I want to leave on that note. I challenge you to not just talk about loving people when they are good to you. But actually manifest love. Give them a taste of selfless love, when things are not going so great. When they are lying in hospital and are miserable and grumpy because of the pain. Or when they are feeling alone and they can’t articulate what they need. How do you react to these things? Do you say ‘well I can’t deal with that right now. I am too tired’? Or do you put aside yourself and give of yourself as Christ would have you to do?





Let’s talk about relationships…

In the last few weeks, I’ve felt a tug in my spirit to talk about something that I don’t even know if I am qualified to talk about. But I feel I should talk about it. That subject is  ‘relationships’.

Now before I begin talking about this subject…  I want to say a few things…Disclaimers really:

  1. I am not married. I want to be some day… I think. But not unless God connects me to someone who is worthy of me. Yes… I said that.
  2. I am a single mom. That pretty much reiterates the first point. But I say that because I need to admit that I’ve made some tragic mistakes in the dating world. And there are times I feel as though I should be the last person to talk to people about relationships or love or marriage. But I feel I have something to say.
  3. I don’t and won’t pretend to be an expert on this subject. I am not. But in the last few years, all of the ‘tragedies’ I’ve experienced have led me into the haven of God’s arms only to ask the question, “Daddy, what was I suppose to learn from that experience?”. I won’t lie. There have been a lot of negative experiences. Painful experiences. Experiences that have forced me to seek counsel both in the world and in the church. Experiences that have made me want to give up on life and question why I was still on this earth. But this is exactly why I feel I need to talk about this. I have gone through some of the worst experiences I think any woman could go through, and by the grace of God, I am still here.
  4. I don’t want anyone reading my blog to take what I say as gospel. It’s not. But as I’ve sought God time after time, I’ve asked God to give me wisdom about relationships. I’m not perfect. But I do believe that my wisdom is increasing.

For tonight/today, I want to start simple.

Oh. Wait. There’s one more thing. I can’t promise that I will write to you every day. I can say that as the Holy Spirit leads, I will jot down points and then as I find time (i told you about my single mom deal, work, charity, business venture, etc…), I will sit down to write… probably at the 11th hour of the night. So if you find what I have to say interesting, I’d encourage you to subscribe so that you can get the notifications about posts in your email inbox.

So for tonight, I want to start by asking a simple question. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your satisfaction with your current relationship? And if you are not in a relationship, judge your past relationship. How would you rate your satisfaction with your past relationship/s.

I want you to be honest. Not with me. But with yourself. Don’t put this off. But rather, take a moment on your way home, or as you go through the grocery store… and ask yourself this question.

Then ask yourself, why did you rate the relationship the way you did.

If you rated it 9 or 10…. congrats. You don’t need this blog.

But if you rated it as anything less… I suspect it’s because you feel that there is a void. You feel it could be better… because something is missing. You can’t put your hand on it. But you just feel something could be better. Once you’ve rated your relationship and figured out why you rated it the way you did…hold that thought.

I’ll be back soon with a few tidbits.

The love walk

For the last few weeks, Paul’s spiel about love in 1Cor13 has been weighing on my mind. Love is such an overrated concept these days, that I doubt whether most really understand it.

As I observe events that are taking place in my personal life, and around me these last few weeks, my heart simply aches at how easily people throw around the phrase ‘luv you’. And yet at the very thought of something not working in their favour, that ‘love’ goes out the front door.

I’ve been meditating on Paul’s chapter on love and I realize a few things….

Love is not selfish

Really…it’s not. Love always puts what’s best, what’s kind. what’s needed for others…first. Before it’s own agenda. When I think about Christ and how He went to a cross that He didn’t have to go to… I see this kind of love. Christ didn’t go “Well Pops, look here… I don’t know if this cross is for me”. Instead, He said “not my will, but thine be done” because even though going to the cross was of no benefit to Him. it was a tremendous necessity for all the generations of believers that would come afterwards.

Love doesn’t give based on what is given. 

That is… it doesn’t look so much at how ‘I’ should be treated. But how I should treat others.  Today, I find so many conflicts are based on how we are treated. Rather than how we treat others. We consider how we should bless others, by how they have blessed us. We talk or don’t talk to others, based on how they talk or don’t talk to us. We pour out our love to others based on how much they pour out to us. And God forbid, if they have angered us, our love tank is sealed. We never stop to consider that there may be reasons why people treat us a certain way. We just respond to what we see on the surface.

Don’t get me wrong… I don’t think we should allow people to mistreat us and abuse us. There is something to be said for boundaries. But I struggle with understanding why we even bother to love others based on how much they give to us. Christ didn’t hesitate to give us the salvation beyond what we deserved. He did it anyways. Can you imagine what it would be like if we loved others despite how they love, how they treat us? If we employed God’s love in our hearts for others?

Love isn’t about a talk. It’s an actual walk.

Many times we acknowledge that we love others. But then in our walk we treat them differently. Someone always said to me if you love something or someone…you make time or room for it in your life. Whether that be hamburgers or a relationship. Love of it will always make room for it. We can say “Jesus loves you” all day long. Saying it doesn’t make us believe it. It’s knowing what He has done that proves it. It’s knowing what He continues to do that makes us fully understand that He actually loves us.

I encourage you today, to examine your love walk. God desires for us to love like Christ. Not based on our flesh or ‘self’. But based on how He loves. When we love like Christ, our ulterior motives are placed on the back burner. This is not easy. There might be some in our lives who are just not easy to deal with. But God would have us love them anyways because it exemplifies Him. In fact, sometimes the only way a person can see God is through how you treat them. Love is extremely patient. It is kind. It is not puffed up. It doesn’t take account of the wrongs done to it. And even when it is treated unkindly, unfairly, it still does what it is supposed to.